Dating is hard work. Especially as we get older, going on dates can be tedious. We’re often busy, tired, and don’t have the room in our lives to waste time on dates that go nowhere. Too often people get burned out on dating and give up.
There are three things you can do to avoid dating burn-out:
- Remember that you’re looking for a life partner, so it’s not going to be easy. Imaging if you’re buying a house how much time you’d spend looking for exactly the right place. Getting connected with the right person is a much bigger deal. Approach it expecting that you’ll go through some frustration.
- Have a sense of humour. When you go on dates, expect that many of them will be totally wrong for you. Don’t see it as a waste of time; instead, try to get to know people. Even if they’re not going to be right for you, you might learn something.
- Meet prospective dates for coffee so that if it’s not going well, you can get out easily. Make time for dating and don’t see it as a burden. Finding a soul mate is not impossible, but it takes time and effort.
To come
Regardless of where you meet someone, dating is never a risk-free activity, but a little caution can reduce your risk in matters of the heart.
Never get talked into anything you do not want to do.
Do not feel that you are obligated to do anything. If you feel like you are being coaxed or forced into an uncomfortable meeting or situation, it’s best to avoid it. Just say no. Always listen to your gut. Never do anything you feel unsure about. If you are in any way afraid of your date, use your best judgement to diffuse the situation and get out of there. Excuse yourself long enough to call a friend for advice, ask someone else on the scene for help or slip out the back door and drive away. If you feel you are in danger, call the police; it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Never worry or feel embarrassed about your behaviour; your safety is much more important than one person’s opinion of you.
Trust your instincts.
If you feel uneasy about someone, there may be a reason. Don’t tell yourself you’re being silly. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t give them personal details about yourself and don’t arrange a second date.
When first meeting someone, do not give out your home or mobile phone number.
Armed with just a phone number, anyone can find out your home address and other personal information. This can lead to identity theft, stalking or other unknown dangers. Once you feel comfortable, you can exchange personal information. Before that, use our Connect Cards.
Meet in public places.
When first getting to know someone new, it’s best to do so in a public place surrounded by other individuals. This way you don’t have to worry about an uneasy or potentially dangerous situation. Also, let someone know where and when you are meeting and anything you know about the person you are meeting. This way, if there is a problem; people know where you are and who you are with, and when you are expected home. It will also be easier to create an exit strategy, if need be.
Do not get in his/her car.
Getting into a car with a perfect stranger is not advised. It puts someone else in the driver's seat (literally) and gives you little or no control. Keep to your plan and stay in a public places initially. Don’t let your emotions or the fantasy of it let you get caught up in a dangerous situation.
Watch for red flags such as catching your date in a lie.
“Little white lies often reveal much larger ones. Ask him/her straight out if he/she is married and about their children and living situation. If they start off a friendship with lies, odds are it will continue that way.
Pay attention to displays of anger, intense frustration or attempts to pressure or control you. Acting in a passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or disrespectful comments or any physically inappropriate behaviour are all red flags. You be concerned if your date exhibits any of the following behaviour without providing an acceptable explanation:
- Provides inconsistent information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, profession, employment, etc.
- Fails to provide direct answers to direct questions.
- Never introduces you to friends, professional associates or family members.
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Don’t Role Play
As a personality expert, one of the most difficult things I have to deal with is getting past the roles people play so that I can understand who they really are. When I evaluate a person for a job position, they’re obviously going to be on their best behaviour. Most people are mindful to play the right role so they get hired. It’s only once you get to know someone after a number of months and you’ve watched how they behave in new situations that you really get to discover who they really are. This is true in dating situations also. Sometimes it is after a vacation together or perhaps going through a crisis that you discover what a person is really made of.
Dating is fraught with the possibilities for role playing. Two people meet each other and both want to impress the other just in case they are a good fit. On the first few dates, each person is trying to convince the other person of their own desirability as a partner. I tell the people that I coach to be themselves as much as possible on the first few dates. Unfortunately, a lot of people are able to "seduce" (and I don’t mean that sexually) the other person by playing the role they think is going to be desirable. Regrettably, this works and problems arise later when the two people really get to know each other. People even do it when they put up photographs of themselves on the internet. Many people post photographs taken when they were younger and spruce up their bio in an attempt to look most desirable.
My advice to you is this: You can end up convincing someone that you are desirable, but if you don’t get to know them and they don’t get to know you first, the relationship is eventually going to fail. Have the courage to not only be yourself and tell the exact truth in those first few dates, but also get to know who the other person is so you know if they are a fit for you. If you’ve ever bought a house you know how important it is to look at lots of different houses before you make an offer and put the house "in escrow." A bad way to buy a house would be to make an offer on every house you see, waiting to see which one worked. Having a lot of houses "in escrow" may ensure you get a house, but it will not ensure that you get the house you want.
The moral of the story is to be honest. Don’t fudge the truth. Get to know the person to see if they fit for you, and make sure they know who you are to make sure you fit for them.
Don’t Talk Too Much or Too Little on a Date
People are often anxious or excited when they go on a date. Even if they don’t actually feel anxious, they probably are. Consequently, they either talk too much or don’t talk enough. Some people are comfortable letting the other person do all the talking, even though they may resent the fact that they can’t get a word in edgewise. Sometimes the "talkers" spend a lot of time extolling their own virtues as if they’re trying to sell themselves.
When you go out on a date, try to get to know who the other person is. People like to talk about themselves, so it can be easy if you ask questions. You’re not asking questions just to pass the time; you’re asking questions to get to know the other person’s "story." Where were they born, what was their early childhood like, what kinds of interest's do they have, and what motivates them in life? Imagine if you were starting a new business and you were looking for a business partner. Wouldn’t you be very careful to get to know the person with whom you will share financial and business decisions? Ideally, this is an opportunity for both of you to get to know the other person so you’ll be able to decide if they are someone you "fit" with.
The moral of the story is that on dates, especially in the early part of a relationship, balance the time between listening and asking questions. Don’t try to sell yourself or remain quiet and allow the other person take over.
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